The other night I was hanging out half-naked in my bed and making a bit of the kissy-time with two folks I am fond of—let’s call them Rick & Dana.* Rick is a guy I have been on a few dates with, Dana is a lady I am very good friends with. Recently, I introduced Rick and Dana, and they have been going on a few dates too. It makes me really happy that Rick and Dana are dating because they are both super nice people, and I like spending time with them.
In fact, Rick is someone I would describe as a nice guy. Not a Nice Guy™, but just an actually nice guy. He has all of the feminist feels, is courteous to those around him, helps his friends a lot, and sometimes feeds me Tostitos when I am over at his house.** I like that Rick is a nice person, because I like nice people, and I especially like nice people if I am going to let them into my vagina.
A lot of media and societal messages tells us that people should be jerks to each other, though. If you’ve ever read Pervocracy’s Cosmocking you’re familiar with a lot of the feels I also have towards the passive aggressive, weird and unhealthy dating advice being shilled at society on the regular. “Be honest, be kind, and try to remember to brush your teeth” summarizes most of how we ought behave in this world, but dating mags, TV shows, and most of teh interwebz don’t seem to get that.***
Being a nice person doesn’t entitle folks to sex, but when I was laying around with Rick and Dana the other night I was overwhelmed by how much it helps. In my lifetime, I have rarely ever given the sexy times to folks who I didn’t think were nice at the time. I have definitely not given the group kissy-face to people who are anti-feminist meanies. A lot of folks I know who make sexy or kissy times on even a semi-regular basis feel remarkably similar.
The dudebro’s of the world make a lot of noise about wishing they could get multiple ladies in states of undress into their beds. And then they proceed to act like total assholes by catcalling folks on the street, or insulting ladies for their weights and their wardrobes. But newsflash: the probability of sexy awesome increases a lot when you aren’t a jerkity jerk-face. While in my bed, Dana and I made several jokes about the slippery slope between polyamory and Girls Gone Wild, but we didn’t do this because of how similar polyamory is to abusive and nasty relationships. We did it because when you are nice to people who are looking for sexy people to show their bits to, sometimes they will decide you are that person who gets to see said bits.
Of course, this entire narrative so often skips ladies sexual desires so I just want to note: Dana is a really nice gal and I like her a lot and she’s my really good friend. Sometimes she shows me Potter Puppet Pals videos, and sometimes we go shopping together and eat breakfast and high five. I don’t have very sexy feelings for her, but I have a lot of trust and love. If Dana was a jerk, I wouldn’t have wanted to introduce her to Rick or let her see my tits while she was in my bed. Being nice helped Dana find some sexy-times too. Being nice is an equal opportunity way to find fun people to spend your time with.
I want to emphasize again: being nice doesn’t entitle you to sex. Thinking that it does makes you a nice guy with the “tm” attached. But being nice really helps. It helps a lot. It helps you find folks to be sexy with, and it helps you find nice folks to be sexy with. When nice folks are sexy with nice folks, it can be really nice! (You heard it here, first.) And when people uphold the expectation that niceness is the primary form of courting and respect well—that makes everything (including teh sexy times) a little bit nicer too.
* Woo, pseudonymous polyamory!
** What? I’m into chips!
*** Though I should note, a lot of this crap mostly being shilled to the straights—if you never talk about gay people, you save yourself the trouble of wondering if they should be creepy and dishonest or actually nice to each other! Lololol, time saving techniques.